Even though statistics show our streets are as safe as they were back in the 1970s, we still keep our children close and don't them run about town because of "stranger danger."
I reject "stranger danger."
Why? Because they aren't a stranger to someone. Every person out there who has less than healthy designs on children and other people are KNOWN to someone. But we wait for human predators to mature and get caught instead of doing anything to stop them before they hurt someone.
There will never be an absence of predators out there. That is the way of things. Yet, overall, life is a whole lot less dangerous than it used to be. But we still keep our kids close and often to their detriment. Better overweight from lack of exercise than the remote possibility they will be kidnapped by a stranger while riding their bike.
I maintain that for every bully, sociopath, psychopath, molester, gynophile, pedophile, rapist, hater - for every predator - there is someone who knows, someone who knew, but chooses/chose not to tell. That choice 'not to tell' is the crux.
We aren't doing our kids a favor by keeping them close. Most children are molested by someone they know. More often than not a family member. The odds are EXTREMELY high it will not be a stranger. Same with being raped. Yet we focus on "stranger danger" over all else in spite of the evidence to the contrary. Evidence that is not new. This is the way it has always been.
I've been studying this for over 25 years. I have my own family nightmare that I wish I could talk about openly. I'm being a full on hypocrite, actually, by not talking about it. And why don't I talk about it openly? Why don't I name names? Because it will hurt a lot of people. It's not that I didn't tell people several times back when it was happening to me, I did. No, the blame for not stopping it early on does not fall on my shoulders at least (I was eight). But I am part of the problem none the less for keeping the secret well into my adulthood.
So why didn't the adults I told back when I was eight stop it? First off, they did try. But the biggest reason it wasn't taken to someone, a professional, outside of the family is because of "family shame".
I'm 44 now and, like I mentioned, I've been studying this for a very long time. I've been in group therapy sessions, talked with friends, read books, researched online and studied psychology and sociology in college. I took every psych and related class my university had to offer. I even did independent studies on pedophilia and recidivism, as well as childhood personality development. Because of my "side" obsession, I ended up going to school for over six years before I graduated.
Look at it this way, the adult predator in question who we all love to hate started out as someone's child, someone's sibling, someone's nephew/niece, someone's cousin. If you found out today that your little brother or older sister was a predator, what would you do? Would you really? What if they were 10? That's how old my abuser was when it started. I was five. I told my mother three years later.
Don't envision me as your five your old daughter, envision the 10 year old abuser as your child. What do you do? It's so much easier when the abuser is someone else's child isn't it? Easier to call social services on them. Call the police. Hate them.
What happens to this child you love if people find out they are an abuser?
Now think of your reputation. Your spouse's reputation. What will people think of your other children? And if you do get the child help, many states require therapists report such things to social services regardless of doctor/patient confidentiality. What will your neighbors think? The people in your children's school? The parents of your children's friends? Your fellow church goers? Your employer and fellow employees? Can you imagine such a family stigma?
Can you blame these families for burying such secrets?
As a mother myself now... well... I understand it, at least. But, yes, they are to blame.
Why? Because most predators are made, not born. I only found out recently that my abuser was molested in a public bathroom as a young child. If the adults I had told had gotten my abuser outside help, therapy, right away, things could have been so different. BOTH an abuser and a victim would have been saved. As well as any other current/potential victims. Not to mention the next generation of victims and so on. THINK of all those who would never have been victims if the molester who abused my abuser had gotten help early on.
Do you see! Don't you think that is worth any stigma?
No? Well, I understand, I do. But you must also know that keeping such secrets not only doesn't make it stop or go away, but puts a heavy burden on the victim, right? NOW think of me, the five year old victim as your child, too. Do you think getting outside help would make things worse for her? Unlikely. She already lives with a constant dread of accidentally being left alone with her abuser. Or the abuser finding her alone. Her outgoing personality has already changed to one of quiet submissiveness and fear. She blames herself. She hates her parents. The feelings of helplessness will linger long into her adulthood. Sex will be scary. And she will go through life always feeling as though she is tainted. People will judge her on a personality, emotions, reactions, character, that don't seem like her own, but were forced upon her by circumstance. And how does her history of being a victim at such a young age effect her as a mother?
So now is the stigma worth it?
To me, even after airing my own experience in this, it is still, really, all about the abuser. Those young boys and girls who start abusing other young people. Getting them help is the important thing. We have so many tools today to deal with abusers. And the younger they are when they get help, the better. SAVE THEM!
Saving them will be what really changes the future for many would be victims. And by changing the future for them, we change the future for us all.
My main intent here is to get people to realize that there is a remedy, a bitter pill certainly, but a remedy for those we consider human predators. And the whole stranger danger thing is more harmful than good. Now I'm not saying every weird uncle, overly friendly grandma or ham fisted cousin is a predator, but if you were warned as a child to stay away from them, then they probably were.
So please, stop over protecting your children from every stranger they see. Some day they may find themselves in a situation where a stranger will be needed to help them, or possibly even save them. Teach them to simply be observant and smart. And teach them to realize that every kid they see on the brink of violence is probably just trying to survive. Encourage them to speak up and speak out. Regardless of a bully's past, the bullying still needs to stop. For everyone that speaks up and speaks out, whether about a peer or a family member, many will be saved. I truly believe there are many more good people in the world than bad. For every one predator there are 100s more who are caring. All some of them need is a nudge in the right direction.
As for me and my skeleton, well, it still lives with me; although, it barely bothers me anymore except to remind me that it is still in the basement. I would love to bring it out and give it a proper burial (and pronoun), but, then, that would be telling now wouldn't it?
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ReplyDeleteAs parents it is hard to pull back and let kids get some independence. I don't think any area signifies that more than a public restroom. So here are my suggestions for that and they can be applied just about anywhere. There are three things to teach them:
ReplyDelete1) be confident. Look people in the eye and give off the sense you know where you are going (even if you don't always) and have people who love you and back you up.
2) take a buddy. Women going into public bathrooms as a group was done for a reason. When possible take someone with you wherever you may be going.
3) trust your instincts. If things look or feel weird, leave. I tell my son that if he doesn't like the look of someone in the men's room, go into the women's. He's at an age where women don't mind (most find it cute), and he's been taught from an early age to be courteous and polite at all times.
There is a fourth and it goes like this, "If it seems too good to be true, it often is." In this case I'm talking about strangers offering candy or puppies to children when no adults are around. It does happen and who could fault a child for falling for it? I've taught my kids two things in this type of scenario: 1) avoidance. If a strange adult attempts to call you to them or approaches you when there is no one around, avoid them and move to where there are other adults or, better, your family. 2) say you need permission. And this helps with the avoidance, simply tell such an adult you have to talk with your mom/dad first before they can approach or talk to them. This works especially if the adult approaching them is claiming to be a family member or friend.
I would have put this in a post by itself, but it is short and sweet and should be read along with the post above. :)
I did indeed channel the feelings of myself as a young girl. From all the cyber hugs and words of encouragement I've been getting from people who have read this, my words have strength. I appreciate the concern of course. I did indeed get therapy as soon as I could (after I left home to go to college). I believe I mentioned it in passing towards the beginning of the post. I have talked about it a lot. The only thing I don't do is name names.
ReplyDeleteThe abuser in my case was my older brother. Probably the most damage I ever felt from a therapist was when one mentioned in passing, even knowing my history, that such sexual exploration between siblings is "normal". Now, it is true, it does happen quite often. Normal would not be the word I would use, however. I would say it is a "natural impulse". It is when the natural impulse gives way to something darker that it becomes a problem. When threats are made to keep it "secret".
My brother was caught early enough that decent therapy would have redirected his misdirected sexual impulses (it would probably have brought to light what happened to him in a men's bathroom years before), but he was yelled at and told to simply stop. Once the adults got his promise never to do it again, they let it drop. My anger at my mother was that she did not then make sure we girls were kept from being alone with him in the future (he molested one of my younger sisters, too). They all really thought that was the end of it. It was not. Of course I was punished if I ever mentioned it. That didn't stop me from speaking out, however. :)
I urge caution, however, in how to deal with young boys or girls who are experimenting on their younger siblings. Putting a 13 year old on the sex offender list is no answer, either. That is telling them they are perverts when they probably are not. It sets up a self-fulfilling prophecy. (seen it personally)
What brought this subject up for me is getting into arguments with mothers who smother their children because of "stranger danger". I get into this argument a lot. But I didn't sit down to write the post until a young lady and her two children came to visit. She has a daughter around 5 and a son around 10 years old. They came and had dinner and we talked. All was good. But not too long after they left, my 5 year old son told me something disturbing. He said the older boy's penis was really big. I figured there must have been a "dick wagging" contest. You know boys. But when I asked him when penises were seen and compared he added that the older boy liked to stick his between the girl's legs which makes her giggle and kiss him.
Deja vu all over again. I very much doubt there was any actual penetration. This young man is the "man of the house" since his father left, and, with his mother working to support them, it falls to him to watch his sister. I have nothing but sympathy for the mother. Like her life isn't strewn with enough tragedy as it is. Of course I told her (took a while; it's not as easy as it seems). I just sincerely hope that whoever talks with the boy is not one who will report him to the police. He's not even a teenager and totally savable.
thankyou for speaking about this. I have a dear friend who was the victim of familial sexual abuse, and it still is a burden for her--none of her family believed her,( or chose not to admit it--that shame thing, you know...)and still don't acknowledge the pain and damage she has suffered. my heart breaks for her, you, for all of the unvalidated victims...
Deletehugs and luv to you dear sister. Your voice is strong and needed, you're speaking for and to all of us...butterfly
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