Five Challenges of Older Parents

I am 47 years old and am the proud mother of an eight year old boy and a five year old girl. When my husband and I decided to go ahead and have a family, even though I was looking at the downside of my 30s, it never really crossed our minds not to do it. We had it all figured out of course. We would have a boy and a girl as close together as we could have them (we were hoping for twins). I would stay in my career, working to support our family, while my husband would be the stay at home dad. Unfortunately... it didn't exactly work out that way.

My husband and I met online just before 9/11. We were both gainfully employed. I already had my Bachelor's Degree. Brian was working on his. But by the time we walked down the aisle in April of 2004, we were both unemployed and looking at an uncertain future. Before we went on our honeymoon in August of that year, I had already had two miscarriages. Another followed not long after.

By the time I was offered a career opportunity to move to Phoenix, AZ, we'd basically given up on the whole kid thing. Figured it just wasn't in the cards after all. That was late 2005. Brian had gotten a good job driving truck, with good health insurance, and my career was finally back on track, albeit, with a property development startup. Well, you can kind of guess what happened next. We got pregnant again, and the housing bubble burst.

The first challenge of being an older parent are the genetic tests. I was 38 when I became pregnant with Leel. Downs Syndrome and other genetic abnormalities become more of a possibility. Thankfully, the barrage of tests put Leel's risk of a genetic abnormality at less then 1%. We spent a lot of time in doctor's offices, and I had to fork over a lot of blood, to get those results.

My last day at my job (I was being let go because the housing market flatlined), I started to bleed. I left that position in an ambulance. By the time I got to the Women's hospital, my doctor had already abandoned me (he didn't do high risk). I was 26 1/5 weeks along or so. I spent the next two and a half weeks in the hospital with HELLP syndrome. I required transfusions and steroids to keep me going long enough for the baby to develop far enough to have the best chance to live outside of the womb. That miracle time was 29 weeks the doctors said. We made it, and Leel was taken out by emergency c-section (my platelets were dropping again). He was tiny, but healthy. I spent another two weeks in the hospital battling infection and recovering. Leel came home two weeks after that.

Boy were we unprepared! It is hard enough trying to prepare for a full term baby, but a preemie has its own set of special rules. Leel was born blind, which is quite common. He required special doctor visits which had to be done like we were trying to smuggle him out of the country. Preemies CANNOT get sick. Things relax a bit once they reach their actual due date. Leel was born in December. He was due in March.

Because of Leel's special needs, Brian couldn't quit his job or we'd lose our health insurance, and I couldn't get another job because we had no one to watch Leel.

The second challenge of being older parents is less family support. Leel's grandparents were already in their 70s by the time he was born. My father died decades before his birth. My mother was/is in poor health. Brian's parents are still independent, but not physically capable to watch little children for very long. Brian's and my siblings were already in the middle of raising their own families and/or careers. Brian and I (and our families) were at the mercy of the job market as well, since it was the time of the Great Recession. Several of our siblings lost their jobs after 2008. Brian had to go where the jobs were. More often then not, those jobs were no where near our families.

Don't get me wrong, our families totally stepped in when Leel was born, and later when Runa arrived. They've been nothing but supportive and there for us in every way they can be. Our families rock. We are super blessed to have them all.

The third challenge of being older parents is giving up our lives/dreams. Young parents have similar issues, but as older parents, we don't have the years after the kids go to school and leave the nest to look forward to. Originally we had thought Brian would be getting his graduate degree at the same time as being a stay at home dad. His parents went to school at the same time they started a family. Instead I gave up my career for the most part, and Brian gave up getting his graduate degree since he had to work to support us. An acquaintance, a new father, was going on to me just today about how he had to give up scuba diving and his home beer distillery because he decided to become a father. It clarified to me what Brian and I have given up due to our age to have our kids. We were not well off when we met and decided to live the rest of our lives together. Were we selfish to want a family anyway? I don't know. We have no regrets regardless. We adore our children. We'll both be near retirement age by the time they graduate from high school. So, instead of saving for our retirement, we are saving for our kids' college educations. Retirement is very likely not in the picture for us.

We both believe we'll be able to go back to school eventually, ourselves. I want to get my Masters in order to teach, and Brian wants to get several degrees so he can live out the rest of his days doing linguistic and anthropological research. We still dream.

I spent the first almost three years with Leel mostly alone. I did freelance graphic design from home to help bolster our income while Brian was out on the road. When I became pregnant with Runa, we decided to make a push to move closer to family. At about seven months along, we moved closer to Brian's family.

My pregnancy with Runa was completely normal. No preeclampsia this time. Again we went through all the genetic testing and more. This time I was tested for diabetes over and over again, and tested for long term high blood pressure. I passed every test. But at eight months along I was experiencing PPD. Probably due to the stress of finding a doctor. Even though we had good insurance, no doctor wanted me because of my age and weight. They'd throw tests at me trying to find a problem so they could excuse their not wanting to treat me. Didn't matter I was almost full term. On top of that, we couldn't come up with $3,600.00 upfront. That was our insurance deductible. We paid out of pocket for all the tests, but it wasn't enough for the doctors I saw. Having insurance was more of a problem then help. Because we had insurance we couldn't go to a clinic or get medicaid. But because we couldn't afford our deductible, no for-profit doctor would consider us. We figured I'd be having Runa in an ER (rates are quadrupled that way) whenever I went into labor. The biggest problem, besides cost, with that scenario is the complications that could arise from having a natural birth after already having a c-section. A few weeks before I was due, a teaching hospital took me on, thank goodness!

Runa was born via c-section when I was 41 years old. Although the pregnancy was completely normal, my recovery afterwards wasn't. I write about that experience in three separate posts - Hitting Misery's Bottom, No Where to Go But Upward, and Healing - http://contemporary-native.blogspot.com/2012/03/hitting-miserys-bottom.html .

The fourth challenge of being older parents is preparing for our deaths (and old age in general). Our kids could be very young when one or both of us die. We hope not, of course. We both hope to live into our 80s or more. Brian is convinced he'll see 100. For me, though, because of my weight and limited movement, I have to be more realistic. Having my two children took a lot out of me, I'm afraid. Finding Guardians for our kids in case of our deaths while they are still young is much more immediately important. Thankfully, we both have siblings and friends who want to help. As it is our children will be living through their grandparents' deaths sooner rather than later. Luck willing we will be there to help them through their first experiences with grief.

The fifth challenge of being older parents is missing out on our children's adult lives. Will we live to see our children become successful? Get married and have families of their own? We don't know. Will we ever get to the point where we see our kids as fellow adults instead of our little babies? I sure hope so. I hear all the time from other parents about how much they miss their kids being little. We do not. Not at all. For us we are always anxious for the next year. We can't wait to watch our kids grow, learn and blossom. Every year behind us is a personal success for us and our kids. No way would we want them to be babies again. Baby fever is definitely a thing of the past for me. Perhaps part of that is because I am starting to go through my change of life. My poor husband. He has to deal with my menopause and our kids' adolescence at about the same time. Hormone overload! Poor hubby!

Every parent has their own challenges. Every parent gives up much to have children. We aren't special in that regard. Some of the challenges are just different. And some, like giving up privacy in the bathroom (or anywhere), we all share.

The Price of Family Shame

This is probably the hardest post I will ever write. The problem is ingrained in almost every culture.

Even though statistics show our streets are as safe as they were back in the 1970s, we still keep our children close and don't them run about town because of "stranger danger."

I reject "stranger danger."

Why? Because they aren't a stranger to someone. Every person out there who has less than healthy designs on children and other people are KNOWN to someone. But we wait for human predators to mature and get caught instead of doing anything to stop them before they hurt someone.

There will never be an absence of predators out there. That is the way of things. Yet, overall, life is a whole lot less dangerous than it used to be. But we still keep our kids close and often to their detriment. Better overweight from lack of exercise than the remote possibility they will be kidnapped by a stranger while riding their bike.

I maintain that for every bully, sociopath, psychopath, molester, gynophile, pedophile, rapist, hater - for every predator - there is someone who knows, someone who knew, but chooses/chose not to tell. That choice 'not to tell' is the crux.

We aren't doing our kids a favor by keeping them close. Most children are molested by someone they know. More often than not a family member. The odds are EXTREMELY high it will not be a stranger. Same with being raped. Yet we focus on "stranger danger" over all else in spite of the evidence to the contrary. Evidence that is not new. This is the way it has always been.

I've been studying this for over 25 years. I have my own family nightmare that I wish I could talk about openly. I'm being a full on hypocrite, actually, by not talking about it. And why don't I talk about it openly? Why don't I name names? Because it will hurt a lot of people. It's not that I didn't tell people several times back when it was happening to me, I did. No, the blame for not stopping it early on does not fall on my shoulders at least (I was eight). But I am part of the problem none the less for keeping the secret well into my adulthood.

So why didn't the adults I told back when I was eight stop it? First off, they did try. But the biggest reason it wasn't taken to someone, a professional, outside of the family is because of "family shame".

I'm 44 now and, like I mentioned, I've been studying this for a very long time. I've been in group therapy sessions, talked with friends, read books, researched online and studied psychology and sociology in college. I took every psych and related class my university had to offer. I even did independent studies on pedophilia and recidivism, as well as childhood personality development. Because of my "side" obsession, I ended up going to school for over six years before I graduated.

Look at it this way, the adult predator in question who we all love to hate started out as someone's child, someone's sibling, someone's nephew/niece, someone's cousin. If you found out today that your little brother or older sister was a predator, what would you do? Would you really? What if they were 10? That's how old my abuser was when it started. I was five. I told my mother three years later.

Don't envision me as your five your old daughter, envision the 10 year old abuser as your child. What do you do? It's so much easier when the abuser is someone else's child isn't it? Easier to call social services on them. Call the police. Hate them.

What happens to this child you love if people find out they are an abuser? 

Now think of your reputation. Your spouse's reputation. What will people think of your other children? And if you do get the child help, many states require therapists report such things to social services regardless of doctor/patient confidentiality. What will your neighbors think? The people in  your children's school? The parents of your children's friends? Your fellow church goers? Your employer and fellow employees? Can you imagine such a family stigma?

Can you blame these families for burying such secrets?

As a mother myself now... well... I understand it, at least. But, yes, they are to blame.

Why? Because most predators are made, not born. I only found out recently that my abuser was molested in a public bathroom as a young child. If the adults I had told had gotten my abuser outside help, therapy, right away, things could have been so different. BOTH an abuser and a victim would have been saved. As well as any other current/potential victims. Not to mention the next generation of victims and so on. THINK of all those who would never have been victims if the molester who abused my abuser had gotten help early on.

Do you see! Don't you think that is worth any stigma?

No? Well, I understand, I do. But you must also know that keeping such secrets not only doesn't make it stop or go away, but puts a heavy burden on the victim, right? NOW think of me, the five year old victim as your child, too. Do you think getting outside help would make things worse for her? Unlikely. She already lives with a constant dread of accidentally being left alone with her abuser. Or the abuser finding her alone. Her outgoing personality has already changed to one of quiet submissiveness and fear. She blames herself. She hates her parents. The feelings of helplessness will linger long into her adulthood. Sex will be scary. And she will go through life always feeling as though she is tainted. People will judge her on a personality, emotions, reactions, character, that don't seem like her own, but were forced upon her by circumstance. And how does her history of being a victim at such a young age effect her as a mother?

So now is the stigma worth it?

To me, even after airing my own experience in this, it is still, really, all about the abuser. Those young boys and girls who start abusing other young people. Getting them help is the important thing. We have so many tools today to deal with abusers. And the younger they are when they get help, the better. SAVE THEM!

Saving them will be what really changes the future for many would be victims. And by changing the future for them, we change the future for us all.

My main intent here is to get people to realize that there is a remedy, a bitter pill certainly, but a remedy for those we consider human predators. And the whole stranger danger thing is more harmful than good. Now I'm not saying every weird uncle, overly friendly grandma or ham fisted cousin is a predator, but if you were warned as a child to stay away from them, then they probably were.

So please, stop over protecting your children from every stranger they see. Some day they may find themselves in a situation where a stranger will be needed to help them, or possibly even save them. Teach them to simply be observant and smart. And teach them to realize that every kid they see on the brink of violence is probably just trying to survive. Encourage them to speak up and speak out. Regardless of a bully's past, the bullying still needs to stop. For everyone that speaks up and speaks out, whether about a peer or a family member, many will be saved. I truly believe there are many more good people in the world than bad. For every one predator there are 100s more who are caring. All some of them need is a nudge in the right direction.

As for me and my skeleton, well, it still lives with me; although, it barely bothers me anymore except to remind me that it is still in the basement. I would love to bring it out and give it a proper burial (and pronoun), but, then, that would be telling now wouldn't it?

When You Have to Tell Them

Some of you have been there. It starts with the moment you learn something that you KNOW will adversely effect someone you care about. What do you do? Ignore it? If it is bad enough do you contact the "authorities"? Do you tell them knowing they'll probably hate you forever?

Back in late December I found out something that no one wants to find out about. It is hard to talk about this without naming names which means it is hard to write this without worrying people I know and care about. So let me qualify this post early on with saying that I did tell them. They know. So if I haven't talked to you about something earth shattering concerning your family (and that is glib compared to how serious this situation really is), then all is well with you and yours.

But not for one family I know.

So, yes, it took five months to tell this person the heart rending information that had fallen into my lap. I was determined to tell them right away, but things got in the way. Some news you have to tell in person. So how do you encourage someone to come visit without getting all alarmist about it? Well, that is what I tried to do at first. I made social invitations and such, but our schedules didn't line up. Then that big client I picked up totally took over my life. So time past.

Last week I saw this person online and was smacked with the reality of the situation all over again. I talked to my husband and he said I had to tell them. Period. So I had good intentions of sending out an email/personal message to get them over to our house... and forgot. Or put it off, more to the truth. Then the small bearer of the bad news in the first place reminded me yet again. But now things had changed a bit. The person I needed to tell was experiencing a sudden, extremely tough, personal family tragedy. How could I possibly tell them now?

My husband said it doesn't matter. The more time that was allowed to flow by, the worse the situation could get. I had to tell them.

So I sent the private message that said it was imperative we see them as soon as possible. And within the day they arrived at our house. I, with Brian as emotional support for us all, told this friend straight out. Ok, I may have prefaced it with, "You are going to hate me, but..."

Taking the Fear and Morals out of Children's Stories

God forbid our children should grow up in the real world. We are so bent on protecting our children from the least little thing, they grow up to crave it. Shielding your child from death could make him a serial killer. Yes, that is just my opinion, but I do believe it to be true. Basically I'm saying your child will be obsessed with death. Death is one of those things kids need to learn about from their parents. Same for sex, drugs and rock & roll. If you over protect them, they could very well rebel in the worst possible way. But I'm getting a little off track to my main gripe: Changing Children's Stories, specifically in Children's programming on television.

There are several terrible shows out there - rabbits and alligators as best buds; monkeys getting by doing hundreds of thousands dollars in damage with no repercussions; etc. - but I want to concentrate on one in particular, Super Why.

This show, Super Why, is on Public Television. I still swear by Sesame Street (even though Cookie Monster giving up cookies is stupid), Sid the Science Kid, and Word World, don't get me wrong. There is still plenty of great programming to be seen. I just wish it were all great.

Super Why is one of my kid's favorite shows. He really does learn watching it. But I can't in all good conscious let him watch it because it butchers classic children's stories willy nilly. Sleeping Beauty's favorite hobby is to sleep, the witch in the gingerbread house just wants to share, the big bad wolf just wants to play, etc. and so on. They've sanitized the stories so much they almost aren't recognizable. The baddest thing anyone does on that show is be loud. And by taking out the 'bad' they've taken out the morals. Sure, they've inserted their own like sharing, playing well with others, ask before you take, etc., but any real consequences are gone.

Luckily we've bought unabridged printings of Grimm's and Hans Christian Anderson's tales. And we are working on getting Aesop's Fables and Mother Goose's stories as well. So when our kid watches Disney's Little Mermaid, he'll know how the story originally went. There is very seldom a happy ending in the real world and children's stories used to reflect that. Not anymore and I believe it is doing a serious disservice to your child to let them believe there is always a happy ending, that everyone is always nice, that no harm can ever come to them. It's wrong and irresponsible as a parent to do this.

I realize you don't want your child hurt. You don't want them to get a cold either, but, if they don't, their immune system will suffer for it. You can't and should not protect them from everything. If my child tortures the cat, I warn him the cat will scratch/bite if he continues. If the cat does fight back, I do not discipline the cat or throw him out. The child was warned. And he's taught never to go up to any stray animal. Dogs injure more people than any other animal. Not every dog is friendly and I teach my child that. I also teach him that not every person is friendly, either. Better to know now than find out the hard way later.

Not teaching your child the harsh realities of life doesn't ultimately protect them from anything. When reality does hit your child, it is just going to be so much worse for them instead.

Now I'm not saying you should take your child to funerals or deliberately put them in harm's way. Of course not. Life happens so when someone does get hurt or die, simply tell the child the truth as best you can. As an adult you know 'not knowing' is the hardest thing to come to terms with. It is the same for a child. They may not understand initially, but that doesn't mean you should never mention it or hide it from them.